wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Randomize
