You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
