I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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