i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
