Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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