OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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