I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
