"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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