Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
