the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I forget how to act sober
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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