My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
