So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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