There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
