Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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