Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
