Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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