The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
