I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
