ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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