I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
