Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
