i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
