she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
