I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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