I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
