I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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