Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
