I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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