You're my little dorito
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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