i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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