if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
