Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
