shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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