You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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