Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
