I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
