So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
