I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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