Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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