I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
