her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
