You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
