you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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