Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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