if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We're too hungover to prance.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
