how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
