Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
