my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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