I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did you pee in the oven last night??
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
