Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
