Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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