A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
